


Hold My Hand, I'm Falling Asleep

by honestlydarkprincess



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Everybody Dies, Gen, Gore, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Major Character Injury, Night Terrors, Nightmare Aftercare, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sad, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 07:37:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11031612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honestlydarkprincess/pseuds/honestlydarkprincess
Summary: Izzy's always had nightmares; they didn't get better until Jace and Alec found out about them and started helping her. After a mission gone wrong, Izzy never has to worry about nightmares again.





	Hold My Hand, I'm Falling Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> So, I actually wrote this a couple weeks ago but I then forgot I had completed it. I also forget who I got the idea from but I do know it was a prompt on tumblr.
> 
> I hope you like it :)

Ever since Isabelle was young, she had had trouble sleeping.

She'd lie in bed, tossing and turning, for hours, yet she just couldn't sleep. Izzy had tried just about everything under the sun. She'd squeeze her eyes shut and count down from one hundred. She'd tried all sorts of teas and vitamins that claimed to improve sleep. Her parents had even found a rune that supposedly helped with sleep but Izzy hated it and had refused to use it after the first few times. It had knocked her out cold and she always woke up feeling groggy and nauseous.

Izzy had resigned herself to a life of shitty sleep and had come pretty close to actually convincing herself that she was okay with that when the nightmares started.

They started out small: dark, hazy images of demons. As she had gotten older those dreams had started to bother her less and less. The more missions she went on, the more desensitized she got and the easier the dreams became to handle. And that's when the death dreams started.

Night after night, she was forced to witness the bloody deaths of the people she cared most about while she stood there, frozen and helpless. She awoke feeling afraid and useless. She was a trained shadow hunter. She worked alongside her brothers, who were considered some of the best shadow hunters of the New York Institute. So why couldn't she fight back in her dreams? Why did she just stand there while the people she'd do anything for met their end in a violent and horrifying manner.

It was after a particularly bad one that Alec and Jace found out about her dreams. Before it was only her parents who knew; she had purposely kept Jace and Alec in the dark about her nightmares. She didn't want them to think she was weak, especially since they both seemed to be under the impression that emotions were a weakness. If they knew that after every mission she had horrific nightmares about the demon they had faced, she was almost positive they would find a way to get her out of the field.

It happened after a gruelling mission in which Alec had been badly wounded. He had been rushed to medical the moment they returned to the Institute and Jace and Izzy had resolutely refused to leave his side. Maryse had futilely tried to convince them to go to their rooms, sleep and return in the morning but she'd given up pretty quickly with a knowing sigh and had a cot brought in and placed in the room. Izzy had curled up against Jace, keeping her eyes on Alec's chest, watching the rise and fall that meant he was still breathing, that he was still alive.

The only reason she was even able to fall asleep in the first place was because of the soothing, warm weight of Jace curled against her and the knowledge that Alec would live. Izzy fell into an uneasy doze, still reeling from the events of the day.

She had been dozing for about an hour when she heard deep murmurs coming from Alec's general direction and a responding murmur from Jace, the quiet vibrations rumbling against her still form. She roused slightly but quickly fell asleep again, this time a little easier.

The next time she woke she was pressed against someone's chest and there was a form crouching in front of her, rumbling comforting reassurances that she heard but didn't process. Izzy quickly became aware of the way her entire body was shaking and the feeling of tears dripping down her cheeks. A sob escaped her lips as blood-soaked images from her nightmare flashed across her mind, renewing the panic and fear she had already been feeling.

"Shhh, Izzy, it's okay, you're safe, I'm here, Alec's here, everything's going to be okay…"

Izzy tried to calm her racing heart as Jace's rough voice filled her ears.

She practiced the exercises that had been given to her for when she woke up from a nightmare. She forced herself to repeat to herself that she was safe, that she was in the Institute, that she was alive. Her tear-blurred gaze took in the shapes around her as she catalogued the room. She realized that it was Jace's chest she was pressed against, not that that was surprising given that she'd fallen asleep on him, and that it was Alec who was crouched in front of her, rubbing her knee in slow, soothing circles.

For a moment Izzy considered berating Alec for getting out of bed just because she'd had a nightmare, the doctor had repeatedly told them that if Alec wanted to recover as quickly as possible, he was going to have to take it easy for a few days; however, she decided against it and instead was just thankful that he was there.

Izzy's breathing slowed and her heart started to calm down. She was still trembling but it was nowhere near as bad as before. She absentmindedly wiped at the tears that soaked her cheeks and huffed out a breath.

Izzy looked down at her hands as she realized they now knew about her nightmares- or, at least, about this one.

"Are you okay?" Jace whispered, moving out from behind her so that he was now sitting next to her, arm slung protectively across her shoulders. She leant into his side as she thought about her answer for a moment.

"Y-Yeah," She replied, hating the way her voice cracked. "I'm used to it."

"Used to it? To what? The nightmares?" Alec questioned, nothing but concern shining in his eyes.

"Yup," Izzy said, popping the p in an effort to seem more casual than she felt. "I've always had problems with sleeping but the nightmares started a few years ago. I've had time to get used to them."

Jace tensed and Alec looked shocked.

"You've had these kinds of nightmares for years? How come you didn't tell us?" Alec asked worriedly. He couldn't believe that his sister had been going through this kind of pain for years and he hadn't had any idea. He had been so scared when he'd woken up to her little sobs and muffled whimpers. Jace had had her wrapped in his arms and was trying to comfort her but she wouldn't wake up and Alec had felt his heart break at the distress in his parabatai's eyes and the pain on his sister's face.

"I didn't want you guys to think I was weak," Izzy admitted in a soft whisper, toying with a loose thread on the oversized shirt Jace had lent her to sleep in. "You're my brothers and your opinion matters most to me and I, well, I just didn't want to see the look on your face's if I admitted I was terrified to go to sleep."

"Izzy…" Alec gasped softly, raw pain in his eyes at the thought that his sister had been suffering all these years and he hadn't been able to help because she was afraid of his reaction if she told him. "You're not weak. Not in the slightest. You're one of the strongest people I know and having nightmares in no way changes that."

Izzy looked at him doubtfully, biting her lip nervously. "Really?"

"Yeah, Iz," Jace said, speaking for both him and Alec. "Alec's right. You're literally one of the strongest people I've ever met, how could you think you're weak?"

"You guys are always saying how emotions make you weak. These nightmares are fuelled by emotions…so…" Izzy trailed off, looking at her lap again instead of at her brothers.

"Shit, Izzy…" Jace started before he stopped himself as he realized that what she said was true. They were always saying shit about how emotions made you weak; even though deep down that's not what Jace actually believed. But that had been what he was raised to believe and if he didn't follow that, what if they kicked him out? The Lightwoods were his only family and what if he lost that because he admitted he didn't believe in some of the things they had taught him?

"I was wrong. Emotions don't make you weak. If anything, emotions make you even stronger because they give you something to fight for. If you don't have emotions you're just a lifeless robot. I know that given my track record it might just sound like I'm trying to make you feel better, but I really don't believe that emotions make you weak. And I certainly don't think you're weak for having nightmares," Jace rambled, making both Alec and Izzy look at him in shock. It was very rare that Jace ever said that much at once, even to them. Well, that's not true, he could actually talk a lot; but when it came to his feelings? You were lucky if you got more than a monosyllabic answer or a door slammed in your face.

"He's right, Iz," Alec agreed, causing Izzy and Jace to look at him in shock. Alec hardly ever admitted when he was wrong. Well, wasn't tonight full of surprises.

"Are you guys sure? You don't think I'm silly?" Izzy asked shyly, a huge contrast from her normal demeanour.

"Not even a little bit, Iz," Alec reassured, reaching up to tuck a lock of her dark hair behind her ear. "Everyone gets nightmares, it just happens that you get them more often that others."

Izzy felt herself relax as she allowed herself to believe what they were saying.

Maybe they were right, and she wasn't weak. It wasn't that she really believed she was weak but she had been worried so long that they would think she was weak it had messed up her thinking a little bit.

"Okay," Izzy whispered happily, relaxing completely. A sudden yawn took her by surprise, causing the boys to chuckle.

Alec moved back up to his bed, only wincing a little bit as the movements pulled at the wound on his side. He laid down on the far side of the bed and look at her with clear expectation. Unhesitantly, Izzy climbed into the bed next to him and curled into his unwounded side. She felt Jace slip into the bed too, curling around her unoccupied side and wrapping a comforting arm protectively around her middle.

Izzy stifled another yawn and settled down in her spot, humming slightly at the comforting warmth radiating from both boys. She felt each of them snuggle closer, curling a hand around one of hers, and, for the first time since she could remember, she felt herself drift off, naturally, into a deep sleep, feeling more protected, loved, and at ease than she had ever felt in her life.

That became their thing. Whenever she had a nightmare, she'd just find one of them and curl up with them, grasping one of their hands to anchor herself. Each time, without fail, she was able to fall asleep. At first she'd still try to fall asleep on her own but eventually, she gave up and just curled up with either Alec or Jace from the start.

Soon she couldn't even begin to fall asleep without one of their hands curled around hers. She had many sleepless nights whenever they were both away on a mission but she had even more nights of wonderfully dreamless and restful sleep when they were around.

Too bad that wouldn't last very long.

It was supposed to be an easy mission. In, out, and home in time for dinner. She had plans with Jace to have a Disney movie marathon, the rough shadowhunter actually loving the films. Alec had begrudgingly agreed to join them on the condition he could read instead of watch. Izzy was really looking forward to it and just wanted the mission to be over as soon as possible.

The Institute had gotten intel that a hellhound was running around and had already attacked a few people, causing one death and multiple injuries. Jace, Alec, and Izzy had been sent to deal with it. They had thought it was just one hellhound so they hadn't felt the need to bring anyone else as backup.

It turned out that the Institute's intel wasn't complete because it was actually a pack of hellhounds, not just one, and the trio quickly found themselves surrounded. They fought valiantly but they were getting tired. They were outnumbered and all it took was Izzy taking her eyes off the hellhound on her far left, she had figured it was far enough away that she had enough time to kill the one in front of her and then turn her attention to the one on her left. Unfortunately, she was mistaken and no sooner had she killed the hellhound in front of her did the other one charge and tackle her.

Izzy screamed, grabbing Alec and Jace's attention, making them fight twice as hard to kill the remaining hellhounds so they could come help her. But it was all for not because just before Alec sent an arrow through the hellhound's eye, killing it immediately as it struck its brain, the monstrous hound had managed to rip out a huge chunk of her side.

Searing pain coursed through her body, and Izzy let out a scream of agony. Never before had she felt a pain even close to this. She glanced down and felt nauseous as she took in the gaping chunk missing from her body. You could see shreds of muscle, torn organs, and the gnarled skin underneath the copious amounts of blood that gushed out.

"Izzy!" Alec and Jace screamed, almost in unison.

Izzy felt herself fading but she was still aware as Alec and Jace knelt beside her, uncaring of the growing pool of blood they were now kneeling in.

"Stay with us, Iz, please," Alec begged, frantically gauging the wound and trying to think of a way to help her. Pure, unadulterated panic spread through him when he realized that the wound was just too big and there was just too much blood. There wasn't anything he could do.

Izzy felt her eyes start to droop and her head lolled for a second before suddenly Jace was there, cradling her head with a gentleness he'd only ever shown to her and Alec.

"Please, Izzy, stay with us. You can't die, please, don't leave us, hold on."

Izzy slowly lifted her hand, finding it difficult since suddenly her limbs were just so heavy. She cupped Jace's face loosely, wiping the tears that soaked his face but smearing blood in its wake. Jace's hand covered hers and he intertwined their fingers, not even trying to stop the sobs that ripped from his throat.

Izzy gave him a small, lazy smile and looked over to Alec. He was hunched over her wounded side, tears dripping silently down his face and onto her torn, mangled skin. She reached out her hand and offered it to Alec, ignoring the tears in her eyes as he held on to it tightly, the thumb of his other hand immediately going to press into her wrist, feeling for her pulse.

"Hold my hand? I'm falling asleep," Izzy whispered, a floating, weightless feeling settling over her weakening body.

Alec let out a loud, broken sob and Jace choked, tears and sweat soaking his face.

"No, no, no," Jace muttered, drawing as many healing runes as he could on Izzy's skin. He could feel his heart sinking as Izzy just continued to fade; none of the runes were working, the wound was just too severe.

"I love you guys," Izzy whispered, gazing at their faces with glassy eyes.

She wasn't going to last much longer, she knew that. She thought about everyone and everything that she loved. Alec, Jace, Max, Meliorn, her parents. She thought about Meliorn and his soft, loving kisses. The warm weight of him when they allowed themselves moments of intimacy that didn't contain sex; just them, together, holding each other.

She thought about the feel of the hot, summer sun on her face and the scent of the fresh night air. She thought about the awe she had felt when she'd seen a warlock do magic for the first time. She thought of the first time she had held a seraph blade or when she received her beloved whip on her 12th birthday as a gift from her father.

She felt the large, warm weight of her brothers' hands entwined with hers tighten as they felt her grip start to loosen, her body continuing to grow weak.

"I love you too," Jace whispered, quickly followed by Alec.

Izzy smiled, a warm glow settling in her chest as the rest of her grew cold.

"Goodnight," Izzy whispered sleepily, gazing at her brothers, the two people she loved most in the world, one last time. Her eyes fluttered shut and she took her last breath. She didn't hear the screams of Alec and Jace, nor their cries. She didn't hear when other shadowhunters arrived, their backup arriving too late. She didn't see how the people who had arrived had to pry Jace and Alec away from her, blood-soaked and in agony, their screams of grief disappearing into the darkness.

She didn't feel see any of it, hear any of it…because she was already gone.

Izzy had slipped away.

And she never had another nightmare ever again.

\- 

The same couldn't be said about Alec nor Jace. Nothing was ever the same. After all, how could it be? Their sister was gone. Nothing could replace the light that had been lost the moment Izzy's eyes fluttered shut for the last time.

Now…well, now, they were just numb.

They went through life mechanically. This time, when Jace passed the redhead who could see him while he was on a mission, he just kept walking. When she was brought into the Institute and they learned her name was Clary Fairchild, they couldn't have cared less. When it turned out that Valentine had returned and was searching for the Mortal Cup, they did what the Institute asked them to do. No more, no less. When a warlock named Magnus was brought in to help search for the cup, Alec didn't give him a second glance.

And when they were killed during a fight with demons after Valentine had acquired the cup and raised an army, they went easily.

Alec forced himself to drag himself over to where Jace lay, bloody and broken. He grasped his parabatai's hand tightly and curled as close to the blonde as he could. Jace gave a small smile, showing off his bloody teeth and rolled close to Alec.

They both closed their eyes and let the darkness take over.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you thought? Even though it was hella sad, I enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.


End file.
